The Dashcam Defense

A: Alright, everyone! Welcome to our first episode of the AI podcast "Currents of Curiosity." I actually have a weird story for you. I figured I'd get it off my chest 'cause Bill's not here. Anyway, this was like, what, three months ago? Yeah, three months. I was rushing out to a business meeting—like really booking it, because, you know, I hit snooze too many times that morning.

B: Anyway, I'm on the freeway, trying to merge into this stupidly crowded lane, and this stupid cunt in a Ford Focus, he doesn't use his turn signal. I mean, come on, how hard is it, right? Anyway, he just swerves over and cuts me off, then "Bam!"—his mirror grazes the left side of my car. Didn’t do a ton of damage, but it made that awful scraping noise, and I just fuckin' tensed up.

A: Then he leans all the way out his window, and just starts laying on his horn, like, just fuckin' full blast! My windows were up, but I could still hear him. He’s screaming and yelling, blaming me for not knowing how to drive. I'm like, "Dude, 'you' just cut 'me' off!" I tried to stay calm, honestly, I really did. I'm taking one of those anger management classes—don’t ask—and pulling from that, I told myself: "Alright, breathe. You’re not doing the screaming, no matter what this guy says."

B: But then, he throws his car in reverse. No warning. Just fuckin'—"Bam!"—he slams into the front of my car. Like, he did it on purpose. My car jolts, my coffee spills right on my dick, and I'm just screaming and cursing bloody murder. Then I just sat there for a second thinking, “What the fuck just happened?”

A: The guy gets out—this is the best part—he starts looking around, like, hoping people are recording him. You know how there’s always a viral video just waiting to happen? He’s hoping he’ll be famous for chewing someone out? Give me a fuckin' break! He just unloads on me, screaming, "Fuckin' god damn motherfucka!". I’m sitting in my car, just blinking, like, “Is this guy for real?” He comes right up to my window, keeps ranting and raving, “Motherfuckin' son of a bitch!” He’s daring me, trying to get a reaction. But I remembered my class, so I just stared straight ahead. Not today, man.

B: He keeps at it for, I dunno, maybe another minute, then suddenly says he’s already called the cops—allegedly, right? Tells me he told them I rear-ended him. He still hasn’t clued in. I’ve got a dashcam rolling the whole time. I was just waiting for him to realize. But after a moment, he just... fuckin' gives up. Jumps back in his car, peels away like nothing happened. That's what got me tensed up.

A: I get home, adrenaline still going, and I call the police. I give them his license plate. They're just like, “We saw the footage, we’ll do what we can.” And you wanna know what happened after that? Absolutely nothing. Three god damn months of this! That’s the story.